What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 23:45
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I don,t even have a pension.
I will be 64.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One cannot live in the past .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I have no regrets .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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I was seconnd youngest,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it wasn’t much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He knew the spot.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Iure eveniet quod quae esse explicabo autem corrupti.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I said to her
I never cut or harmed myself..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was scared of men, in general
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But ive been too sick for many years..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She wouldn,t have been !
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
All the time i was locked up.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But, we were locked up after school.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Would this be the day?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My family never makes their pension either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was very sick at this time too.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What did i know ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I write beautiful poetry .
So, i spoilt her more .
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was in good health!
Ive learnt so much.
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was 9 years of age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It was going to be , some day.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Put me off passion for life!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I waited trembling.
This is soul school!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We all went to grammer schools
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im still living with it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She found it foreign!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Comes on , in middle age.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Who then, do I blame.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When she asked me how she looked .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She loved him until the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life